This is the one thing that stops almost every partner in a relationship from having a better relationship
We have a part of us that wants to be in a relationship, but we also have a part that is wired to ask a critical question. That part is connected to our essence to survive, our deepest primordial part.
Think about this: Your survival instinct is always alert. There is actually a part of the brain that holds a memory of all the dangerous things that have happened to you.
This brain region, attached to the top of the spinal cord, is like a lighthouse sending out a signal: Is it safe?
These two parts — the one that wants to connect and the one that aims to protect — are at odds with each other. It is by examining and possibly recalibrating the emotional brain that we can more easily connect.
The emotional brain is constantly asking, “Am I safe?” If you are subconsciously asking that, but then see that what you have just asked your partner resulted in a tightened jaw or eye roll, your desire for connection will be overruled.
Now, if we can do some work on recalibrating our sensor to be less affected by our partner’s emotional brain, we could have a better relationship.
Part two: Experiment
So, how do we do this? One effective strategy is to identify the things we want to disarm and release the energy that’s being held captive.
Try this: close your eyes and recall an interaction you wish had gone differently. Think of something that happened that was unpleasant. Just do this long enough to come up with the memory.
Now, open your eyes for a moment and recognize that I’ve just directed your focus toward a negative feeling.
Take a deep breath, and feel your feet grounded beneath you. In a moment, I’ll offer an alternative, but first, let’s dispel the negative emotion.
Imagine a brightly glowing flame above you, a healing divine energy capable of dissolving negative emotions.
Feel the light from this flame warming you from head to toe, cleansing your entire being. That’s right. Now, you’ll want to replace that negative memory with a more positive one.
Remember, you and your partner were both reacting from your emotional brain, becoming triggered by the memory you recalled.
Soon, you’ll close your eyes again and envision a different dialogue, a more loving exchange. You’ll need to tap into your imagination.
If you’re ready, close your eyes and see yourself speaking to your partner, receiving a kinder response.
Allow yourself to take as long as you will need to have a back and for exchange. What does your partner say to you? How do you respond? Use this time to resolve any misunderstandings and come to a resolved space.
How does that feel as you notice the neutral, more forgiving exchange?
You might have found space to forgive your partner’s initial reaction. Reflect on how you think and feel about this resolved dialogue.
This exercise is a method to retrain our minds, replacing negative experiences with positive ones.
For more in-depth, experiential guidance, feel free to reach out and I will send you a video to tame your emotional brain and call on the part that wants to connect. You can reach me via email at jessica@couplesspeak.com. Just email “tame your brain”
