How To Create a Higher Purpose For Your Relationship

I was sitting in my home office with tears running down my cheeks. How did it happen again?

I was just asking for clarification. I was trying to figure out why my wife was getting so frustrated, but I did it again. My need to keep talking when my wife is past her threshold…

But I am also feeling angry. Why can’t I ask innocent questions? I think they are innocent.

Aren’t we supposed to be able to talk freely? Shouldn’t a couple be able to talk about anything?

But here we are again. I am feeling guilty because, as a couples therapist, I shouldn’t have these kinds of fights. I remember when I got the worst cut of all. My wife said, “And you call yourself a couples therapist!” That was years ago, and I thought I had figured this thing out.

We had done a few therapy sessions, but that didn’t give me a clear answer. I have been working on this basically alone. I wish she would try, I thought.

I was in this state when I realized my desire to make things better wasn’t enough in those moments of heightened emotions. I sat looking at the wall. I have to calm down. I took some deep breaths and did a meditation.

I knew better than to talk about it further. We will talk, but not now, and I really need to be calm to talk.

My wife and I went to bed that night with a kiss and an “I love you,” but for me, this wasn’t resolved. I was hurt, mad, and sad.

The next morning, I was watching a video from a guru I follow. It had nothing to do with romantic relationships, but an answer that I so desperately needed was about to be gifted to me.

Sadhguru was lecturing on volunteering. What he said in his talk hit me right in the heart. He said that most people are interested in getting what they want to make them feel better. I agree, I thought.

He said that true joy comes when we have a purpose beyond ourselves. When we work towards making things better on a much larger scale.

Still licking my wounds from the day before, this was exactly the missing thing I needed to put into my mental framework.

Being a “visionary”, he called it, meant looking ahead for the solutions to the problems. It meant having a higher purpose. That was it! I needed to have the conviction or a purpose.

I could be a relationship visionary! I would think of what is best for both of us. I would think of how to problem-solve our issues based on what is best for the team.

If I added this to my existing framework of how I help couples AND my own marriage, then it could help me get past those hard spots. It’s not just about me, and it’s not just about my wife. It is about the relationship or what is best for our shared life!

My framework had only two parts: the willingness to change along with an understanding of communication, but the purpose, that was missing. With these three parts, I could rise above the hurt and the self-sacrifice.

Sometimes we do need to talk, and sometimes we don’t. It’s about what is best for both of us.

As you can imagine, my wife has more of an avoidant style of attachment, and I have an anxious over-communicative one, but we both will benefit from coming towards the center.

If we do what is best in any given moment, we are growing towards better individuals. Isn’t that what we are all here for anyway, on our spiritual assignment for growth?