Communicating in a Relationship: Tougher than a Marathon or 100 Pushups
I always strive to be the best version of myself. Thanks to my dedication to self-improvement, I can do 100 pushups and give talks on spirituality in front of hundreds of people. Yet there’s one thing I struggled with until recently — being a loving wife.
Everyone knows mastery of a skill requires serious discipline, but most of us assume maintaining a healthy relationship with good communication is something we should do instinctively. Who knew that listening to my wife disagree with something would be way tougher than any physical challenge?
And this is coming from someone who thought they were a good listener! But I was constantly trying to throw my weight around and prove my point of view was correct. It was as though I was taking on a pushup challenge purely to show my strength. Actually, I was covering up for a weakness. I couldn’t handle disagreement because I thought I was getting left behind. I didn’t realize we could reach still be a team, even if we disagreed — and that doing so definitely didn’t make mean I was losing connection.
Transforming myself in this way has been more difficult than any physical feat I’ve put my mind to.
How my dedication to self-improvement began
I haven’t always been the type that wanted to push myself. Growing up, I was an overweight and underachieving kid — I got Cs in my exams and walked the mile in gym class while the other girls sprinted past me.
I had an experience that woke me up and set me on a different path. That’s a whole different story, but let’s just say I grew tired of being teased about my weight and tired of being tired.
Gradually, I became who I am today: a person who gets excited to see what they can do. I’m always trying to improve myself, sometimes to a fault. It’s not unusual for me to get pushback from people when I tell them about my next plan.
Don’t believe me?
I’ve walked across Spain in the name of spiritual enlightenment. My physical feats include various marathons (six including a goofy challenge to run a half-marathon on Saturday followed by a full marathon on Sunday) and two half-ironman distance triathlons. Plus, I’m signed up for a full ironman and have my eyes on a 50- or 100-mile run in the future.
I also try to improve my spiritual life through meditating, taking courses with gurus, and attending a couple of semesters at a seminary. After all of this, I still didn’t know how to have a loving relationship. Did I mention I’m a couples therapist? I know, I know — the irony.
Experiencing relationship troubles
I met my now wife 10 years ago. I had been doing a lot of spiritual work and growing as a person, but I had a lot to learn. Being in a relationship in the beginning is wonderful. It is easy and effortless. I was so happy my friends commented on my constant still for more than a year.
Five years ago, I was starting my new career as a counselor, working to specialize in couples therapy. When I first began my education, I wanted to help others achieve the level of happiness I had found in my marriage.
Unfortunately, the honeymoon phase was soon waning.
I’m married to an exceptional girl. At the time, we were competing in races together, and she was incredibly supportive of me (as I liked to think I was of her). But there was one problem — we’d have these hellish fights. Usually, these conflicts revolved around the competitions.
Hilariously, I thought I had the spiritual high ground. I was a counselor; of course I knew how to discuss emotions and communicate. Then I had a eureka moment — I wasn’t trying to communicate at all. I was trying to be right.
I was desperately trying to hold on to that magical bliss all couples enjoy at the beginning of a relationship. But, if we were going to survive past the honeymoon phase, I needed to stop living in denial and face what was really happening.
Relationships are like pushups
Dating is one thing, but maintaining a long-term relationship is a whole other ballgame. Luckily, I like challenges.
Just like trying to do 100 pushups, I must take daily action to improve communication and accept my partner is different from me.
When I started a pushup challenge recently, I could only manage ten in a row. Slowly, I built up my resistance; the same thing applies to relationships.
First, I had to understand that my wife’s sole purpose wasn’t to make me happy (duh!). We were a team. I couldn’t always be the one with the ball.
Then, I had to realize that my marriage isn’t a competition. I didn’t have to win every argument and always be right. This tendency is still an Achilles heel of mine, but just like marathon training, I try to do a little every day to work on my next personal record.
The role of couples therapy
I’m grateful for those who have illuminated the path for me along this journey. Some of the best in the business have trained me, including two mentors considered the pioneers of couples therapy. I went through their intensive apprenticeship program, where they pass their knowledge off to a few carefully chosen therapists.
Now, I love working with couples to help them realize some of these truths for themselves.
Yet you can have the best trainer in the world and still take no action. It’s like a person standing in the doorway of a gym day after day, complaining that they’re not getting results. I used to be guilty of that — I was being trained by leading couples therapists yet still repeating the same old patterns in my own marriage.
It took persistence and a lot of mistakes, but today, I can safely say I feel like I have one of the best marriages in the world. Not to be too cliché!
Now, I’ve taken my passion for physical achievements and relational bonds and the knowledge I’ve learned from being an athlete and a couples therapist to create a relationship boot camp. Relationships take work, but having the opportunity to dedicate yourself fully to your partner while help is at hand can make all the difference.
